I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
