Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize