mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
