How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
