Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
home. puking in laundry basket.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
