Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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