just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You've changed since you got that strap on
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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