Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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