I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you made out with another girl for some wings
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
