Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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