My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
