Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
