the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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