Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
