I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
