if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
