hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
