Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
