I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
