youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
