like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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