youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
