So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
