2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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