i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
