Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I am one with the molecules
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
