No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
