I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Two words: blizzard sex
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
