i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
