Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize