no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
