the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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