Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
