her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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