Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
