Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We need a shit load of segways right now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
