I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
