Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
