apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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