I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
