Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize