you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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