What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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