I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
