i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
