So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
