you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
