I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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