this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
