The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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