I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
