Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
