I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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