He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
