Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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