Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
